Блог Анкара

In This Chapter

► When limits, continuity, and derivatives Don’t Exist

► Ten tests for convergence

/n this very short chapter, I give you two great mnemonics for memorizing a great deal about limits, continuity, derivatives, and infinite series. If I do say so myself, you’re getting a lot of bang for your buck here.

The 33333 Mnemonic

This mnemonic is a memory aid for limits, continuity, and derivatives. First, note that I’ve put the word "limil" under the five threes. That’s "limit" with the – changed to an /. Also note the nice parallel between "limil" and the second mnemonic in this chapter, the 13231 mnemonic — in both cases, you’ve got two pairs surrounding a single letter or number in the center.

3 3 3 3 3

Limil

First 3 over the "I": 3 parts to the definition of a LImit ‘

You can find the formal definition of a limit in Chapter 3. This mnemonic helps you remember that it’s got three parts. And — take my word for it — just that is usually enough to help you remember what the three parts are. Try it.

Fifth 3 over the "l": 3 cases ©here a limit fail’s to exist

The three cases are

\S At a vertical asymptote. This is an Infinite discontinuity. \S At a Jump discontinuity.

\S With the limit at infinity or negative infinity of an Oscillating function Like lim cos X Where the function keeps oscillating up and down forever, never honing in on a

Single Y-value.

Second 3 over the "i": 3 parts to the definition of continuity

First notice the oh-so-clever fact that the letter I Can’t be drawn without taking your pen off the paper and thus that it’s not Continuous. This will help you remember that the second and fourth 3s concern continuity.

The three-part, formal definition of continuity is in Chapter 3. The mnemonic will help

You remember that it’s got three parts. And — just like with the definition of a limit — that’s enough to help you remember what the three parts are.

Fourth 3 over the "i": 3 cases ©here continuity fails to ‘exist

The three cases are

\S A Removable discontinuity — the highfalutin calculus term for a Hole.

An Infinite discontinuity.

V A Jump discontinuity.

Third 3 over the "m": 3 cases ©here a derivative fails to exist

Note that M Often stands for Slope, Right? And the slope is the same thing as the

Derivative. The three cases where it fails are At any type of Discontinuity.

\S At a Cusp: A sharp point or corner along a function (this only occurs in weird functions).

\S At a Vertical tangent. (A vertical line has an undefined slope and thus an undefined

Derivative.)

The 13231 Mnemonic

This mnemonic helps you remember the ten tests for the convergence or divergence

Of an infinite series covered in Chapter 13. 1 + 3 + 2 + 3 + 1 = 10. Got it?

First 1: The nth term test of divergence

For any series, if the NTh term doesn’t converge to zero, the series diverges.

Second 1: The nth term test of convergence for alternating series

The real name of this test is the Alternating series test. But I’m referring to it as the nth term test of convergence because that’s a pretty good way to think about it, because it

Has a lot in common with the NTh term test of divergence, because these two tests make

Nice bookends for the other eight tests, and, last but not least, because it’s my book.

An alternating series will converge if 1) its nth term converges to 0, and 2) each term is less than or equal to the preceding term (ignoring the negative signs).

Note the following very nice parallel between the two NTh term tests: with the NTh term test of divergence, if the NTh term fails to converge to zero, then the series fails to converge, but it is Not True that if the NTh term succeeds in converging to zero, then the series must succeed in converging.

With the alternating series nth term test, it’s the other way around (sort of). If the test

Succeeds, then the series succeeds in converging, but it is Not True that if the test fails, then the series must fail to converge.

First 3: The three tests ©ith names

This "3" helps you remember the three types of series that have names: geometric series

(which converge if \ < 1), p-series (which converge if P > 1), and telescoping series.

Second 3: The three comparison tests

The Direct Comparison test, the Limit Comparison test, and the Integral Comparison test

All work the same way. You compare a given series to a known benchmark series. If the benchmark converges, so does the given series, and ditto for divergence.

The 2 in the middle: The t©o R tests

The Ratio Test and the Root Test make a coherent pair because for both tests, if the limit

Is less than 1, the series converges; if the limit is greater than 1, the series diverges; and if the limit equals 1, the test tells you nothing.

Chapter 15

This appendix lists organisations in the United Kingdom and the United States that you may want to contact for further help, support, and information.

Organisations in the United Kingdom

Action on Smoking and Health (ASH), 109 Gloucester Place, London, W1H 4EJ. Tel: 0171 935 3519

Alcoholics Anonymous, PO Box 1, Stonebow House, Stonebow, York, YOl 2NJ. Tel: 01904 644026 / 7 / 8 / 9

Association of Post-Natal Depression, 25 Jerdan Place, Fulham, London, SW6. Tel: 020 7836 0868

British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies (BABCP), BABCP General Office, The Globe Centre, PO Box 9, Accrington, BB5 0XB. Tel: 01254 875 277. Fax: 01254 239 114. E-mail: babcpSbabcp. com. Web site: Www. babcp. Org. uk/

Council for Acupuncture, 179 Gloucester Place, London, NW1 6DX. Tel: 0171 724 5756

Depression Alliance, PO Box 1022, London, SE1 7GR. Tel: 020 7721 7672 (recorded information)

First Steps to Freedom, 1 Taylor Close, Kenilworth, CV8 2LW. Tel: 0845 120 2916 (Freephone helpline 10 a. m. – 10 p. m.). E-mail: inf o@f irst-steps. org. Web site: www. first-steps. org/

Manic Depression Fellowship, 8-10 High Street, Kingston-Upon-Thames, London, KT1 1EY. Tel: 020 8974 6550 and 020 8546 0323

MIND, The National Association for Mental Health, Granta House, 15-19 Broadway, Stratford, London, E15 4BQ. Tel: 020 8519 2122

National Phobics Society, Zion Community Resource Centre, 339 Stretford Road, Hulme, Manchester, M15 4ZY. Tel: 0870 7700 456. Fax: 0161 227 9862. E-mail: nationalphobic@btinternet. com. Web site: http: //www. phobics-society.Org. uk/contact.php

No Panic, 93 Brands Farm Way, Telford, TF3 2JQ. Tel: 01952 590005. Freephone helpline: 0808 808 0545 (10 a. m. – 10 p. m.). E-mail: ceo@nopanic. org. uk. Web site: Www. nopanic . org. uk/

OCD Action, Aberdeen Centre, 22-24 Highbury Grove, London, N5 2EA. Tel: 0207 226 4000. Fax: 0207 288 0828. E-mail: infoSocdaction. org. uk. Web site: www. ocdaction. Org. uk/

Phobia Action, Hornbeam House, Claybury Grounds, Manor Road, Woodford Green, Essex, IG8 8PR. Tel: 0181 559 2551

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) Association, PO Box 989, London, SW7 2PZ

Triumph over Phobia UK, PO Box 3760, Bath, BA2 3WY. Tel: 0845 600 9601. E-mail: inf oOtriumphoverphobia. org. uk. Web site: Www. triumphover Phobia. com

Organisations in the United States

Albert Ellis Institute, 45 East 65th Street, New York, NY 10021-6593. Tel: 212 535-0822. Fax: 212 249-3582. Web site: www. rebt. org

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, 120 Wall Street, 22nd Floor, New York, NY 1005. Tel: 212 363 3500. Web site: http: / /www. af sp. org

American Mental Health Foundation, 2 East 86th Street, New York, NY 1008

Anorexia Nervosa and Related Eating Disorders, Inc, PO Box 5102, Eugene, OR 97405. Tel: 541 344 1144. Web site: www. anred. com

Anxiety Disorders Association of America, 8730 Georgia Avenue, Suite 600, Silver Spring, MD 20910. Tel: 240 485-1001. Fax: 240 485-1035. Web site:

Www. adaa. org

Association for the Advancement of Behavior Therapy, 305 Seventh Ave, New York, NY 10001-6008, USA. Tel: 212 647 1890. Web site: http: //server. psyc. vt. edu/aabt/

Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorders, 499 Northwest 70th Avenue, Suite 308, Plantation, FL 33317. Tel: 305 587 3700. Web site:

Www. chadd. org

Kidscope, Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation (children’s newsletters), PO Box 70, Milford, CT 06460-0070

National Alliance for the Mentally 111, 200 N. Glebe Rd., Suite 1015, Arlington, VA 22203-3754. Tel: 800 950 NAMI (800 950 6264)

National Anxiety Foundation, 3135 Custer Drive, Lexington, KY 40517-4001. Tel: 606 272 7166. Web site: http: //lexington-on-line. com/naf. ocd. 2 .html

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, Box 7,

Highland Park, IL 60035. Tel: 847 831 3438. Web site: Www. healthtouch. com

National Attention Deficit Disorder Association, PO Box 972, Mentor, OH 44061. Tel: 800 487 2282 or 216 350 9595. Web site: www. add. org

National Depressive and Manic-Depressive Association, 730 North Franklin, #501, Chicago, IL 60610. Tel: 800 82N DMDA

National Foundation for Depressive Illness, PO Box 2257, New York, NY 10116. Tel: 800 248 4344

National Institute of Mental Health, 9000 Rockville Pike, Building 10, Room 30-41, Bethesda, MD 20892. Tel: 301 496 3421. Information services: Panic and other anxiety disorders: 800 647 2642. Depression: 800 421 4211

National Mental Health Association, 1201 Prince St, Alexandria, VA 22314-2971. Tel: 703 684 7722

National Mental Health Consumers Self-Help Clearinghouse, 1211 Chestnut St, Philadelphia, PA 19107. Tel: 800 553 4539

Obsessive Compulsive Anonymous, Inc. (OCA), PO Box 215, New Hyde Park, New York 11040. Tel: 516 741 4909. Web site: http: / /members. aol. com/ west2 4 th/index. html

Obsessive Compulsive Foundation, 676 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Tel: 203 401 2070. Fax: 203 401 2076. E-mail: Info@ocfoundation. org. Web site: www. ocf ounadtion. org/

Trichotillomania Learning Center, 303 Potrero, Suite 51, Santa Cruz, CA 95060. Tel: 831 457 1004. Web site: www. trich. org/

Other Organisations

The Mood Gym: Developing CBT for treatment of depression.

Www. moodgym. anu. edu. au

The Organisation for Bi-polar Affective Disorders: Www. obad. ca

Here are certain circumstances that are not completely conducive to

M Giving or receiving hour-long full body massages complete with music, candles, and scented oils. Like when you’re in a crowded elevator, for example, or if you’re sitting at a departure gate at JFK airport. In places like those, it’s important to remember not to take all your clothes off and start rubbing (either yourself or another person) because that may give massage a strange reputation.

Luckily for you, there are some quick little massage moves you can use every day in public places to help relieve stress. And none of them require you to embarrass yourself.

The following are five quick and easy ways to ease your own stress with massage.

This move feels better than it sounds. Hook your thumbs up into the inner upper corners of your eye sockets, pressing in against the nose bone and up against the ridge of the brow. Hold for 5 to 10 seconds. This is great for headaches and sinus congestion (see Chapter 17 for a photo).

In This Chapter

► Achieving quick stress relief with massage

Eye hooks

Headache point

Known To Shiatsu Practitioners as Large Intestine 4, or LI4, this point is noted for helping to relieve headaches. It’s located in the webbing of your hand between the thumb and index finger. The problem is that most people don‘t Press exactly the right spot when they try to stimulate this point on themselves.

The spot is not directly in the center of the meaty part of the webbing, but rather in against the bone Of The hand. To press here effectively, grasp the webbing between thumb and index finger with your opposite hand, squeeze it, and then move your thumb in against the side of the hand. See Chapter 11 for A Look at this move.

JaW circles

We all carry whole bunches of tension in our jaw muscles (yes, even you). One good way to alleviate this is to use your fingertips and make tiny little circles right into the center of your jaw muscles. Open and close your mouth slowly at the same time to increase the effect.

You may also want to try gently pulling your chin down until your mouth begins to open, relaxing the jaw muscles. You may be surprised at how tightly you hold your mouth closed, perhaps out of a fear of looking like a dufus. Go ahead, you’re all alone; let your mouth hang open for a minute. It’ll feel great.

Ear reflexology

According to the zone theory, each point on the bottom of your foot reflects areas in other parts of your body, as you find out in Chapter 14. Did you know that your ears also reflect every other part of the body? Yes, it’s true. The Chinese even have an extensive system of treating many disorders with pressure on the ears.

You can give your whole body a boost by simply rubbing your ears with a vigorous little kneading movement between your thumb and first two fingers. Start at the lobe below and walk you fingers up around the outside to the top of the ear, giving little tugs outward as you go. Even if it does nothing for the rest of your body, it makes your ears feel great.

Foot drainage

Most everyone agrees that a foot massage feels great, but what if you’re all alone and you only have a few minutes? Well, then try this one move to affect the bladder and adrenal reflex points on the bottom of the feet. It’s a good way to stimulate detoxification and elimination while providing some stress relief at the same time.

With one foot up on the opposite knee, press in with your thumb, sliding it back and forth along the arch between the heel and midway up the foot. Check Figure 14-1 to see where this reflex is.

Easing a Partner’s Stress

Following are five ways you can help others relieve their stress.

The rice grip

Tightly grasp the top of your partner’s right shoulder (the area between the shoulder and neck, consisting mostly of the trapezius muscle) with both of your hands and have her turn her head very slowly to the left. Then have her hold the position at the extreme end of the turn for 10 seconds before slowly turning back. You can switch shoulders if you’d like or repeat on this side if only one shoulder is tight. This is an excellent way to help reduce major stress in the neck and shoulders.

Head squeeze

Although it may look like you’re trying to squeeze your partner’s head like a gigantic melon, you’re actually doing him a big favor with this move, especially if he has a headache. With your elbows well out to the sides, press in with the heels of your hands, using very firm pressure against the sides of your partner’s head, just above and in front of the ears. Hold for 10 to 15 seconds, asking your partner how the pressure feels. Discontinue if he experiences any discomfort. This is especially effective on tension headaches and has even been known to help with hangovers.

Hooking the skull

Standing behind your partner, place your thumbs at the base of his skull, on the muscles at the top of his neck. Then use a cat-pawing motion to dig your thumbs further into the muscles there, as if you were trying to hook your thumbs up under his skull. This will really loosen up the entire neck.

Make sure not to press directly into the spine with this move, as it may be uncomfortable. Stay about an inch to either side.

Scalp circles

Place your fingertips firmly against your partner’s scalp and make little circles while pressing down. Make sure your fingers don’t slip across atop the hair but remain firmly pressed against the scalp as you move the skin and thin muscles below. Then, after a few seconds, lift your fingers and repeat the circles on another spot on the scalp.

Wmq lift

Have your partner bring one hand around to her lower back, which will lift her shoulder blade up a little. Then use your fingertips to hook into the muscles beneath the shoulder blade and pull steadily upward with light pressure on the blade itself, which will stretch the entire upper back and also have a loosening effect on the arm. Repeat on the other side.

Appendix

In This Chapter

^ Self-help books and therapist manuals ^ Books for learning more about CBT

Book recommendations for tackling specific kinds of problems using CBT

Tumerous self-help and professional manuals on CBT are available. # W We’ve tried to choose books that reflect the diversity of CBT as an approach, and that can add to your armoury of knowledge and skills in tackling disturbing emotions or behaviours.

Cognitive Therapy – Basics and Beyond

This an excellent step by step guide to the basics of CBT. Written by Judith S Beck (Guilford Press, 1995), Cognitive Therapy – Basics and Beyond Provides a sound overview of the theory and application of CBT. The book is useful to the CBT practitioner and other mental health professionals interested in using CBT. It also contains enough good, hands-on advice to be useful as a self-help book or to be used in conjunction with a therapist.

Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders

Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders By Aaron T. Beck (Penguin Psychology) is the founder of cognitive therapy’s original text on his research-based approach to emotional problems. Beck’s contribution to the field of CBT has been phenomenal, not least because of the emphasis placed on scientifically evaluating CBT treatments. This is an historic book, and a good introduction to the fundamentals of CT.

Full Catastrophe Living

Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain and Illness, By Jon Kabat-Zinn (Delta) is a guide to stress reduction based on the principles of mindfulness meditation. This is part of a new wave in CBT that focuses more on what we Do With our mind rather than the Content Of the thoughts that go through it. This book helps readers identify different kinds of stress in our daily lives and outlines a programme of mental and physical exercises to help combat stress.

Overcoming…

The Overcoming. . . Books (published by Robinson Press) are an excellent series that attend to specific kinds of problems. These books are usually written by experts in their field and are frequently recommended by professional therapists. The series includes: Overcoming Childhood Trauma By Helen Kennedy; Overcoming Depression By Paul Gilbert; Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder By David Veale and Rob Willson; Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness By Gillian Buttler; Overcoming Traumatic Stress By Claudia Herbert and Ann Wetmore; and Overcoming Mood Swings (bipolar affective disorder) by Jan Scott.

Overcoming Anger

Windy Dryden, author of Overcoming Anger (Sheldon Press) has written or edited more than 150 books in the areas of counselling and psychotherapy. In a clear and forceful style, Windy shows how we create our anger with our attitudes and beliefs. He goes on to show how thinking rationally helps overcome unhealthy anger and communication with others.

Oxford Guide to Behavioural Experiments in Cognitive Therapy

The Oxford Guide to Behavioural Experiments in Cognitive Therapy, Edited by James Bennett-Levy, Gillian Butler, Melanie Fennell, Ann Hackman, Martina Mueller, and David Westbrook (Oxford University Press) is like a distilled essence of CBT. Many cognitive behavioural therapists wish that the book had been written years earlier! Focusing on the ‘lets find out’ element of CBT,

The book covers a huge range of psychological problems, and how to test out the negative thoughts related to them.

Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy

Dr Albert Ellis, the author of Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy: A Comprehensive Method for Treating Human Disturbances, Revised and Updated (Birch Lane Press), is the true founding father of cognitive behavioural therapy. The rational emotive behaviour therapy approach described in this extensive volume, was the first fully developed cognitive behavioural theory and treatment, dating back to the mid-1950s. This version of Ellis’ seminal text gives an insight into the philosophy underpinning the approach and Ellis’s phenomenal mind. Anyone interested in how reason and philosophy can be applied to reduce human suffering would do well to read this book.

Reinventing \lour Life

Reinventing Your Life: How to Break Free from Negative Life Patterns By Jeffrey E. Young, and Janet S. Klosko (Penguin Putnam Inc, USA) gives an introduction to a variant of CBT called ‘schema focused therapy’. This therapy focuses on the ‘maps’ we develop of the world, ourselves, and others from early in our lives. The book aims to help readers identify their unhelpful longstanding thinking patterns and suggests ways of tackling them.

Status Anxiety

Status Anxiety By Alain De Botton (Hamish Hamilton Penguin Books) explores what De Botton describes as ‘the universal anxiety about what others think of us’. The book looks at where our status worries come from historically, showing how society encourages us to link self-worth to achievement.

A Woman in \lour OuJn Right

A Woman in Your Own Right By Anne Dickson (Quartet Books) is a classic self-help book on becoming more assertive. It gives clear and practical guidance on overcoming the need for approval, effective communication, and dealing constructively with criticism. And yes, men can benefit from it too!

In This Chapter

^ Introducing brainteasers involving practical applications

^ Thinking outside the box

^ Presenting ten tests of your true mettle

7he math word problems that I present in earlier chapters of this book are categorized, grouped, and discussed for their common elements and special properties. I provide suggestions and procedures for handling the types of problems in each chapter.

The ten brainteasers in this chapter are some that you may have seen elsewhere, some that seem vaguely familiar, and others that are completely new to you. These brainteasers are meant to be fun and mind boggling at the same time. Try to work them out before you peek at the answers. You’ll feel so clever.

Three Pirates on an Island

Ti.

^tAS6y Three pirates arrived on an island after successfully relieving a merchant " ^ of his bars of gold. The pirates put their booty in a pile in the center of the ^M^Wtiii Island and all fell asleep while guarding the gold. After a while, the first pirate woke up and decided to take his share of the gold and hide it. So he buried his fair share of the gold bars under a palm tree and went back to sleep. The second pirate woke up and took what he thought was His Fair share and buried those gold bars next to a boulder. He then went back to sleep, too. Then the third pirate awoke, took what he thought was his fair share, and hid it under a boat. He went back to sleep. In the morning, all three pirates woke up and discovered that there were eight bars of gold in the pile. How many bars were in the pile in the beginning?

Answer: Working backward, the 8 bars that remained must have been two-thirds of what was there when the third pirate did the splitting up. So the third pirate saw 12 bars, took his 4, and left 8. If the second pirate left 12 bars, then 12 was two-thirds of what he saw, so he saw 18 bars — he took 6 and left 12. The first pirate left 18 bars, which was two-thirds of what was there in the beginning. One-third of 27 is 9, leaving 18 bars. There were 27 bars of gold when the pirates all went to sleep.

Letter Arithmetic

A father received yet another letter from his son asking for money. The father was tired of doling out the cash. So, instead of money, the father sent the following addition problem for his son to solve.

SEND + MORE MONEY

He said that if his son could figure out which digit each of the letters stood for, he would send his son another installment of cash. What does each letter represent to make this addition problem correct?

Answer: S = 9, E = 5, N = 6, D = 7, M = 1, O = 0, R = 8, Y = 2

9 5 6 7 + 10 8 5 10652

You figure this out with a little trial and error and a smattering of reasoning things out. You’re pretty sure that the letter M represents 1, because it’s the carryover from adding the number that M represents to the number that S represents. If M represents 1, then S must represent 8 or 9 in order for the sum to be large enough to have a carryover. Work your way backward, trying out different digits for the different letters until you find the unique solution.

Pouring 4 Quarts

^jliASej A farmer needs to add exactly 4 quarts of weed killer to the fertilizer mix that

He’s preparing to spread over his field. Unfortunately, he has only a 3-quart [^M^Mil Container and a 5-quart container, not a 4-quart container. He can’t just guess.

The accuracy of his measurement is most important. How can he measure exactly 4 quarts with the two containers he has? (There are several possible solutions, but the farmer wants the one that takes the fewest number of steps.)

Answer: The farmer fills the 5-quart container and empties 3 quarts from that container into the 3-quart container, leaving 2 quarts in the 5-quart container. Then he empties the 3-quart container and pours the 2 quarts from the 5-quart container into the 3-quart container, leaving room in the 3-quart container for another quart. He fills the 5-quart container again and pours 1 quart into the 3-quart container that already contains 2 quarts. That leaves exactly 4 quarts in the 5-quart container.

If this is a bit confusing, use Figure 21-1 to visualize it.

2 2

Figure 21-1:

Finding 4 quarts from 5 quarts and 3 quarts.

5

4

2

Magic Square

A magic square is a square array of numbers — three by three, four by four, and so on — such that the sum of the numbers in any column, row, or diagonal always adds up to the same number. Place the digits from 1 through 9 into Figure 21-2 so that each row, column, and diagonal adds up to 15.

Figure 21-2:

A three-by-three magic square.

Answer: Figure 21-3 is a solution for the magic square. You solve this pretty much by trial and error, but you also make some strategic moves, such as putting the number 5 in the middle, because it’s the middle value in the list of digits. You need to put the larger digits in positions where they won’t be added together. Play around with the numbers a bit, and you’ll find the solution. That solution is a pattern for any other list of nine consecutive numbers to be put in a magic square and have a particular sum.

Figure 21-3:

A solution for the magic square.

Getting Her Exercise

Seven-year-old Caitlin lives on the 50th floor of her apartment building. Every morning she gets on the elevator outside her door and rides down to the ground level where she waits for the school bus to pick her up for school. Every evening Caitlin gets on the elevator on the ground floor, rides to the 40th floor, and walks up the last ten flights of stairs to her apartment. Why does she do this?

Answer: Caitlin can’t reach the elevator button for the 50th floor — she can only reach as high as the button for the 40th floor. So she takes the elevator to the 40th floor and walks the rest of the way.

Liar, Liar

^jliASej You approach two doors. One leads to a fabulous prize, and the other leads to a pile of coal that needs shoveling. If you pick the door to the fabulous prize, you get to take it home. If you pick the other door, you’ll be busy for quite a while. Each door has a huge guard, protecting what’s on the other side. The guard in front of the prize always tells the truth, and the guard in front of the coal always lies. You’re allowed to ask just one question of one of the guards to determine which door leads to the prize. What question do you ask to determine which door goes to the prize?

Answer: You ask a guard, "If I were to ask the other guard which door leads to the prize, what would he say?" And then pick the opposite door of what he tells you.

If you ask that question of the guard who always tells the truth (and who stands in front of the prize), he’ll know that the other guard lies and would have answered that you should pick his door (the one with the coal). So the guard telling you the truth will tell you, honestly, that the other guard would get you to pick the door in front of the coal.

If you ask the question of the guard who always lies (and who stands in front of the coal), he lies and say that the truth-speaking guard would tell you to pick his (the liar’s) door. So, in either case, you want to pick the opposite door.

Weighing Nine Nuggets

You’re given nine identical-looking nuggets and are told that eight of them are fool’s gold and the ninth is real gold. The nuggets are so close in weight that you can’t tell, by holding them in your hand, which is the heavier nugget. You have a balance scale (shown in Figure 21-4) that you’re allowed to use exactly twice. You can put as many nuggets in the pans of the scale as you want. How can you single out the heavier nugget?

4

Answer: Put three nuggets in one tray and three nuggets in the other tray. If the scale is balanced, then you know that one of the three nuggets not on the scale is the heaviest. If one side of the scale is heavier, then you know that the gold nugget is one of those three. In any case, you’ve isolated a group of three nuggets that contains the gold nugget. Do another weighing with the three nuggets, putting one nugget on each tray. If the trays are the same height, then the nugget not being weighed is the heaviest and is the gold. If one side is heavier, then you’ve spotted your gold nugget in that tray.

Where Did the Dollar Go?

Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel went out for lunch together. The waitress brought them a bill for $30, so each one paid her $10. When the waitress took the cash to the register, she realized that there’d been an error, and she should have charged them only $25. So, when she brought the change back, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel each took $1 and left the other $2 as a tip (they hadn’t read Chapter 6 of this book and didn’t know how to figure out a fair tip). Because each friend paid $10 and got $1 back, each person actually paid $9. Multiply $9 by 3 and add the $2 tip, and you get $27 + $2 or $29. What happened to the other dollar?

Answer: This puzzle definitely belongs in the category of Sleight of hand. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel actually paid only $9 each, totaling $27. The bill was $25, so subtract $25 from $27 and you have the $2 left to leave for a tip.

Figure 21-4:

A balance scale is level when the items weigh the same.

Many Weights?

A merchant has a balance scale (refer to Figure 21-4) and wants to be able to weigh any item between 1 and 50 pounds, to the nearest pound. How many different weights does he need to buy?

Answer: He only needs six different weights to weigh anything from 1 to 50 pounds. The weights are: 1 pound, 2 pounds, 4 pounds, 8 pounds, 16 pounds and 32 pounds. Any number from 1 through 50 (actually, you can go up to 63 pounds with these weights) can be created using combinations of the weights.

Transporting a Fox, a Goose, and Corn

^tASfiy A farmer has a dilemma. She needs to transport her fox, her goose, and her corn across a small river. She only has room for herself and one of the others in her small boat. She’ll have to take one across the river, leave it, and go back for the others. But if she leaves the fox alone with the goose, the fox will eat the goose. If she leaves the goose alone with the corn, the goose will eat the corn. How can she get everything across without someone being eaten?

Answer: For simplicity’s sake, let the fox be represented by F, the goose by G, and the corn by C. I map it out for you in Table 21-1. The arrows indicate the direction of the boat.

(continued)

How

Chapter 22

In This Chapter

► Pleasing your pet with massage

I Jou Don’t have to be a highly trained expert in several esoteric massage Jr Techniques in order to make your dog Sparky roll over in ecstasy when ^you rub his belly. However, maybe there are a few tricks here you haven’t experimented with before. Your pet is sure to be overjoyed that you’ve read this book (and this chapter in particular) and are now ready to spend quality time trying out some new maneuvers. In fact, Sparky may have been the one who slipped that bookmark onto this page when you weren’t looking.

Animals can teach us humans a thing or two about massage. Just watch a cat, for instance, over a period of five minutes (when it’s not asleep), and you’ll see what I mean. They are "in the moment" all the time, responding to their inner "call of the wild" to do whatever comes naturally. You can follow their lead with these massage moves. Yes, that’s right, go ahead and get crazy with your techniques, letting your instincts take over as you bond and communicate with that special creature in your life. I limit the discussion to cats and dogs here because those are the most popular pets, but there’s no reason you can’t try these moves out on hamsters, gerbils, or Vietnamese pigs as well.

Part pressure

Some people reserve their paw petting just for the furry tops of the paws, which is a big mistake. If you slide your fingers into the webbing of the paw pads underneath, you reach some areas that are hard to get to otherwise. Ever see your pets vigorously nibbling away at their own feet? This is the area they’re trying to get, and if you help them out, they’ll appreciate it.

Outer ears

Too many pet owners content themselves with a cursory scratch of the ears, when what your pet really wants is an all-out assault on the base of the back of the ear where it connects to the head. This seems to be an area that can never get enough intense rubbing. Use the tips of your index and middle fingers, really digging into the cartilage there that makes up the ear.

Inner ears

Inside the ear is a gold mine of prospective massage points, and it would be silly of you to stay away just because the inside of the ear is pink and potentially "yucky." Go ahead, promise yourself youTl wash your hands immediately afterwards, and then rub away on the little ridges and rolls within the cavern of the ear, exploring for new areas of pet pleasure.

Betty rub

The ever-popular belly rub is quite simple for most of us to perform. Just start rubbing, and your pooch keels over, kicking his paws up in the air in animal surrender. Experiment until you find the exact spot that causes the most frenetic paw movements. This is "ground zero" in belly-rub territory.

Watch out if you use belly rubbing on a cat because it will quite likely try to grasp your arm with its front paws and start clawing you with the back paws, This is the natural feline "disemboweling" reaction, meant to eviscerate any unlucky little rodents it catches out in the yard.

"Knee" kneading

Did you know that what we usually think of as the "knees" on our pets are actually the wrists? It’s true, and it’s also true that this is a little-known area of intense pet-massage satisfaction. Just try massaging your own wrists for a few seconds. Feels good, right? Animals love it, too. Use your fingertips to rub little circles in all directions around the joint, down onto the paw a little bit, and back up onto the leg slightly, too. Pinch in between the bones and tendons, and do a few joint movements while you’re at it.

Chin Wedgies

Just at the tip of the jutting underside of your dog or cat’s chin you’ll find the spot where the two sides of the jaw come together. The little triangle of soft tissue that you’ll find there is a site of supreme sensitivity. Use your pinkie finger if necessary to reach into this area and rub back and forth with firm pressure. If you do the maneuver correctly, your pet becomes your slave and may do anything you ask it to, as long as you continue to provide such pleasure.

Tail tails

Right on top of the base of the tail, where it connects to the back, is a magical spot. Grind into it with enough finger pressure, and your pet’s tail will begin to rise (cats) or wag (dogs). A "tall tale" is a sure sign that they like this very much.

Underarms

We tend to not pay that much attention to human armpits, often skipping them altogether during full-body massages. This is understandable, because some armpits are not places most of us would want to go, but it’s also sad for our pets, whose armpits are licked clean on a daily, if not hourly, basis. You can give a good massage into this area by using all four fingers held flat. Slip them between the leg and the body and rub your fingertips into the many tendons, muscles, and ligaments you find attached there.

Nose nudgies

Press straight down onto the front of the nose with firm pressure and rub up and down just slightly, avoiding the nostrils. Try pushing until your pet pushes back and you begin to get into a little dance with each other, leading your pet around by the nose, which is kind of cute. At least it’s cute for about 30 seconds or so.

Boggy and kitty chiropractic

Starting at the tail, use your fingertips to massage each vertebrae, working your way up the spine one bone at a time. Try mini-kneading maneuvers and some circular rubbing, making sure to get between the bones, too, into those little notches.

Chapter 25

In This Chapter

Discovering the benefits of not taking things too seriously

Finding yourself funny ^ Getting more enjoyment out of life ^ Throwing caution to the wind

Sometimes you can make life more difficult than necessary by holding an overly serious view of yourself. This chapter lists ten ways to lighten up a little and experience more enjoyment. Go through the list and pick out the headings that apply most to you.

Accept That \lou Can – and Witt – Make Mistakes

I’m only human

Of flesh and blood I’m made

I’m only human

Born to make mistakes

- The Human League

If you take yourself overly seriously, you’re more likely to consider your mistakes unacceptable. You may also believe that other people may reject you on the basis of your blunders. Moreover, you probably judge yourself harshly when you make a social faux pas or a poor decision.

Everyone gets things wrong and mucks up from time to time. If you try to hide or ignore your mistakes, you can deny yourself the opportunity to develop from them. By acknowledging mistakes, and accepting yourself for making them, you have the chance to do things differently next time. You’ll also become more comfortable with making errors in the first place and are likely to spend less time worrying about whether you get things ‘right’. Most people respect someone who can own up to and take responsibility for his clangers.

Try Something NeuJ

Perhaps you’re reluctant to play a different sport, change your usual holiday destination, or acquire a new language or skill. Maybe you’re even reluctant to try a fresh route to work in case you get lost and look foolish. The fear of looking silly can stop many people dead in their tracks. If you can cope with looking a trifle daft now and again, you’ll find it a lot easier to discover novel things and to acquire new skills. Even doing small things like eating different cuisines or going on a one-day mediation course (or a course on anything that interests you!) can broaden your horizons.

Doing something foolish doesn’t mean you’re a fool. It’s pretty much impossible for you to learn a new language or how to play the piano, without making lots of grammatical gaffes or hitting the wrong notes. By giving yourself the opportunity to try new things, you may have a lot of fun in the process, even if you don’t become a polyglot or a pianist in the Royal Philharmonic.

Stamp on Shame

Taking yourself too seriously can lead you to experience unnecessary emotional upset. For example, if you need to look as though you are in complete control and composed all the time, you’re a prime candidate for experiencing frequent bouts of shame.

Feelings of shame and humiliation are often linked to perceiving that your weaknesses, errors, or faults have been exposed. For example, if you fall over while boarding a train, you may experience intense, unpleasant emotions rather than getting appropriately embarrassed. Your feelings of shame about somebody seeing you trip up are likely to last longer than simple embarrassment, and may likely cause you far more distress than any physical injuries you have sustained.

As one of your goals, you can have a go at overcoming your propensity to feel ashamed. Try deliberately exposing yourself to scrutiny using the following four-step technique:

1. Make yourself conspicuous. Wear a ridiculous outfit, make animal noises, sing to yourself, wear your underwear on the outside of your normal clothing, ask a really stupid question, or do anything else silly you can think of. Whatever you choose, do it On purpose And In a very public place. An excellent place to carry out shame-attacking exercises is when you’re on public transport.

2. Stay in the situation long enough for your feelings of shame and general discomfort to subside on their own. Don’t hide yourself away in the corner, run away from the public place, or remove your clown hat, for example. Stay in the situation until you notice that your uncomfortable feelings are beginning to subside (sometimes this may take ten minutes and other times it may take an hour). The important point is to stick with the exercise for whatever length of time it takes for you to feel Less Embarrassed, ashamed, or anxious.

Don’t expect to feel totally calm and happy when you’re deliberately doing something ridiculous in public. The idea is for you to see that nothing terrible happens to you when other people look at you like you’re weird.

3. Hold an attitude of self-acceptance throughout the experience. This means that you act as if you truly believe that being judged as odd or weird is not the end of the world. (This just isn’t the case, or the world would have ended long ago.) Tell yourself that you can tolerate uncomfortable feelings, which you associate with possible negative evaluation from others. (You can: Feelings of shame and embarrassment don’t kill people.)

4. Repeat variations of the exercise often and without long gaps in between. Doing the exercise once is not enough. Repetition is the key to getting yourself desensitised to scrutiny so that you don’t feel shame as a result. You can do an exercise like the one above daily for a week, which is a great way to feel less distressed.

Laugh at \lourse((

Many people claim that laughter’s the best medicine. This adage may well carry a sizeable grain of truth. Finding the funny angle in an otherwise awkward situation can help remove the sting. Sometimes, you can take the horror out of your mistakes and shortcomings by finding them amusing.

If you’re able to value yourself as a worthy person And Recognise your human imperfection, you won’t fall into the trap of taking yourself so seriously that you’re unable to laugh. Think of people you know who can’t take a joke: They’re very likely people who take themselves and everything they do far too seriously. Being overly earnest is a bit tragic: Anything that happens to you or anything you do that is, in your mind, less than acceptable has a profound impact on your global opinion of yourself. You can glean much more enjoyment out of life and your personal relationships if you can have a giggle at your own expense.

Don’t Take Offence So Easily

If you believe that everyone must respect you and that you’re only as good as what others think of you, then you’re going to get offended if someone fails to appreciate you. You’re pretty much destined to take offence much of the time unless you live in an air-conditioned bubble all on your own. In the real world, sometimes people are rude to each other and fail to behave in a thoughtful, respectful manner.

We’re not suggesting that you take the stance of a passive victim when others treat you unacceptably. You can respect yourself and have clear boundaries about the type of people you choose to associate with and the type of behaviour you’re prepared to tolerate.

However, you don’t need to be impervious to bad behaviour from other people but you don’t need to take undue offence to it. You can make your life easier by distinguishing between when, and when not, to bother asserting yourself. For example, if a friend jibes about a recent blunder you made, is it really that dire? Or if someone bumps into you on the street without apologising, don’t consider it an assault on your personal worth and respectability – you may find it rude and annoying, but do you really need to take strong offence.

Feeling offended is akin to feeling angry. Anger is tiring and unpleasant. Chances are that if you hold too serious a view of yourself, you’re experiencing anger more often than you actually need to (refer to Chapter 13).

Make Good Use of Criticism

Constructive criticism is a vital element of learning. Of course, not all the criticism you receive may be delivered in a skilled or constructive way. Nevertheless, if you can step back from negative feedback long enough to access its validity, you can use it to your advantage. Often, other people can see more clearly than you where you’re going ‘wrong’ – others can have the benefit of an objective viewpoint.

If you believe that you Must Get Everything Right or perfect, and that any indication that you’re failing at a task is evidence that you’re inadequate, then you can get very disturbed by criticism. Rather than using feedback to evaluate your approach to a specific task, you’re likely to use it as a battering tool on your sense of worth. You may become defensive at the first sniff of less-than-positive comments on your performance.

Rather than reacting to critical comments oversensitively, you can develop more tolerance to such comments so that you find them useful. Try the following techniques:

Get rid of your defensive stance. Listen openly to what people are saying about you (head to Chapter 16).

Understand that you don’t Need To be right every time. You have the option to behave less than perfectly now and again. Accepting that you can be wrong sometimes means that you can find criticism easier to take.

Take time to weigh up the validity of the comments made and then to use any legitimate information offered to aid your development.

Settle into Social Situations

When you have an overly serious attitude towards yourself, you’re prone to feeling uncomfortable in social settings. The fear that you may say the wrong thing, offend someone, or expose yourself as stupid or boring can lead you to clam up and say little. You may find that you censor much of what you say or rehearse it in your head before you speak. Alternatively, you may try too hard to be witty and entertaining. Either way, you’re not relaxing into the occasion and enjoying the interaction. You’re probably much more focused on the impression you’re making than on what the other people present are actually talking about.

If you fall into this camp, social situations for you are more likely to be something to get through rather than enjoy. You’re probably taking more than your fair share of responsibility for the interaction going smoothly. Remember: You’re only ever Part Of a social group, even when there are only two of you – the other person or people present also have a part to play in the smooth running of conversation.

To help yourself relax and be ‘more yourself in social settings, try these tips:

Focus your attention away from yourself and on to the other people present. Really listen to the conversation and observe others.

Say things spontaneously. Resist the urge to rehearse witty responses in your head before you speak. Take the risk of dropping in comments during the conversation.

Drop your safety behaviours (refer to Chapter 7 for more on safety behaviours). Avoid sitting on the outside of a group or fiddling with your drink, handbag, or phone when conversation lulls. These types of behaviours may distract you from your feelings of social awkwardness but they also stop you from getting used to natural social interaction.

Express yourself until you feel heard. If you start to say something and are interrupted, try again in a few moments, maybe a little louder.

Reign yourself in. If you tend to overcompensate for your social discomfort by talking a lot or putting on a bit of a show, give others the chance to fill in the gaps and silences.

Enjoy yourself. Above all, remind yourself that social gatherings are meant to be fun. Make enjoying the company and conversation of other people your main reason for socialising.

Encourage \lour Creativity to Flout

To act creatively, whether at work or in your personal life, you have to accept the possibility that some of your ideas won’t be considered that great. If you’ve got a suggestion for an advertising campaign at work or a novel way to spice up your sex life, you’ll be less inclined to put forward your ideas if you worry too much about them being rejected or going down like a lead balloon.

Creativity is self-generative: If you try out your ideas, they tend to give rise to more ideas. If you constantly suppress your ideas, you may find that the stream of ideas diminishes over time.

Act Adventurously

Breaking your routine can help you to lighten up. Changing a regular pattern can relieve boredom and improve your mood generally. Even the smallest things, such as choosing a different recipe in a cookbook or walking to a place to that which you normally drive, can make a significant difference to your mood.

Following a routine in order to avoid unpredictable outcomes is all too easy. Unfortunately, getting stuck in a rut may mean that you miss out on new, exciting experiences. Urging yourself to do things differently or to risk a foray into unknown territory, can challenge the demands you hold about having control at all times. Most people like to have some degree of control in their lives and to feel that they have some degree of certainty about what they can expect from life. However, in reality, life is unpredictable and our sense of certainty is largely an illusion.

Accepting your limitations to control events and to be certain about the outcome of events, can help you to act more adventurously and live life more fully. Increasing your tolerance for uncertainty and limited control is also likely to help you become more adaptive for when life throws unexpected problems your way. (Head to Chapter 9 for more on coping with anxiety.)

Enjoy l/oursetf: It’s Later than \lou Think

Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think,

Enjoy yourself while you’re still in the pink,

The years go by as quickly as you wink,

Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think

- The Specials

There’s no time like the present for chilling out and lightening up. If you never get round to making time for pleasurable or novel activities, you may find that you don’t ever do them. People who hold a responsible yet light-hearted attitude about themselves, and life in general, are usually far more pleasant to hang around with. These people give off an air of ‘seizing the moment’. Making the most of the present moment can keep you young at heart, even as the years go by.

F you really want to get on somebody’s good side, here’s a little secret:

*C Give them a massage gift. You don’t necessarily have to give the massage yourself (in some cases this could even be inappropriate), but you do have to put forth the effort to create the massage gift, arrange for it, pay for it, and so on. You may be surprised at how incredibly warm a reception your gift receives. Massage, ultimately, is always a gift for the person who’s receiving it. Even if you’re paying for it yourself, there’s something very special about the physical act of receiving the massage. It’s natural to respond as though it were a gift. The giver works so hard, on such an intimate level, that you can’t help but feel connected to him, and grateful. Try some of the suggestions that follow to accentuate this quality of the massage you offer to others.

Spa gift certificates

Purchase a gift certificate that’s good at over 700 great day spas in the U. S. and give it to a deserving individual. To order your certificate, call 888-SPA-WISH, and make sure to check out the coupon in the back of this book, because it gets you a discount! Way cool.

The massage birthday gift

For that special someone’s birthday, your anniversary, or any other special occasion, hire a professional massage therapist to come over as a surprise gift. This could lead to some major gratitude immediately following the massage, so make sure you have a bottle of champagne chilled just in case.

The spa date

With so many spas around these days, it’s possible for many people to get away to one for a night or two. Arrange in advance for a "spa date" on which both of you get multiple massages by a pro. Pack a good book, a bathing suit, and you’re all set.

In This Chapter

► Creating great massage gifts

The royal treatment at home

Drop the kids at grandma’s house and head home to cook your partner’s favorite meal, arrange flowers, light candles, and warm the aromatherapy oil. Then put the skills you attain from this book to good use by giving a great massage. This is good for major brownie points in your favor.

B&B and massage

Take a trip to a quaint and charming little bed & breakfast and trade massages with your partner in this new, romantic environment.

LeaVe a tittle rub behind

When you’re a houseguest, leave behind a massage gift certificate from a local massage therapist to show how much you appreciate your host’s hospitality.

Massage for charity

Buy a gift certificate from a local massage therapist and offer it as a door prize for your church or community club auction.

Wedding day rub

Buy a massage for (or better yet, give a massage to!) a friend who is getting married. I received a massage on my own wedding day and have given massages to friends on theirs. You can always manage to make that extra hour appear on the big day, no matter how hectic things seem to get, and it really helps to calm the nervous bride or groom.

The massage economy pack

Negotiate with a local massage therapist to purchase a whole series of massages at a discount, and then share them with your partner, family, friends, business associates, and anyone else you can think of.

\lou’re the gift

After you read this book, offer free massages to all of your friends and each person in your family. Do this even if you think you’re not "good enough" at giving massage yet. If you give from your heart, people may respond accordingly. It’s the gift that counts, not the wrapping.

Chapter 24

The 5th Wave_By Rich Tennant

"We all knov* it’s a pie, Helen. There’s no need to pipe the equation 3.141592.653 on the top,

In this part. . .

M^ere You find ten of the most traditional, classic brain-¥ m Teasers. Tackle and vanquish these problems, and you’ll rule the world. (Well, that may be a bit strong, but you can certainly claim dominion over your block.) After that, find out how even You Could become a mathematician. Sure you could! If the people listed here could conquer mathematics and make their mark, then why not you?

Chapter 21

In This Chapter

^ Identifying techniques that are counterproductive to your self-esteem ^ Substituting healthier self-esteem strategies

\M Ou may be trying to manage your low self-esteem in ways that are coun-terproductive, particularly in the long term. This chapter highlights ten techniques that don’t boost your self-esteem effectively.

‘Why focus on where I’m going wrong?’ you may ask. Well, using the strategies we describe in this chapter to boost your self-esteem is like trying to dig your way out of hole. Your first step is to realise you’re only digging yourself deeper – so put down that shovel! Only when you stop digging, can you begin to look for other ways to get out of the hole. Fortunately, we include several self-esteem ladders within this book to help you find your way out.

The following ten points describe counterproductive strategies for boosting your self-esteem. We explain why they don’t work and suggest more constructive ways of increasing your sense of self-worth.

Putting Others boutn

If you measure your self-esteem by comparing yourself with other people and tend to regard yourself as inferior, you may try to boost your worth by putting down other people, whether in your mind, by moaning about them to others, or by criticising them directly.

By increasing your sense of other people’s inferiority, you may manage to persuade yourself temporarily that you’re less inferior. But, you won’t change the underlying problem – your attitude towards yourself. Putting down others is tiring not only for you but also for other people – and doing so does not elicit warm responses from others.

Instead, try respecting your own uniqueness – and that of others. The human race is a species, not a competition. Focus on following your own values and pursuing your own goals. Pay more attention to your own strengths rather than others’ weaknesses.

If you feel inferior, re-evaluating your attitude towards yourself is more effective than trying to pull down someone else’s self-esteem.

Thinking \lou’re Special

Trying to replace a sense of worthlessness with a feeling of ‘specialness’ is another common self-defeating technique you can adopt for beating low self-esteem. Look out for times when you tell yourself ‘If I’m not different, I’m nothing’, or ‘Being average or normal is like not existing’.

The problem here is that, as far as the universe is concerned, you’re not special. No one is. You may be unique, but so is everyone else. In fact, you may well try so hard to avoid the ‘horror’ of mediocrity that you end up living an unhappy and unfulfilled life. This tendency largely stems from an extreme form of All or nothing thinking (which we explain in Chapter 2) and the mistaken idea that you need to reduce low self-esteem by wildly overcompensating.

Rather than trying to assert that you’re special, focus your attention in a more constructive direction. Challenge the idea that you need to be ‘special’ in order to feel okay about yourself. Accept yourself as a normal, ordinary, worthwhile individual, just like everyone else.

Trying to Get Everyone to Like \lou

Substituting your dislike of yourself by trying to win the approval of other people is a recipe for anxiety. You can end up feeling anxious about not achieving your goal of being liked by someone or a group. If you do achieve your goal and win approval, you’re likely to become anxious about losing your prize.

The real pity is that your imagined ‘need’ for approval may not help you give off the attractive, self-assured air you would so dearly like. Believing that you need to be liked in order to like yourself can leave you in a desperate position. Allowing people to walk all over you in an attempt to win their approval has a pretty negative impact on your self-esteem, for fairly obvious reasons.

Rather than attempting to win approval, strive for respect. If you respect yourself, you give off an air of being comfortable in your own skin. People with true self-respect are those often most respected by others. You don’t have to be a slave to this principle, but seeking respect can help you assert yourself more readily.

Placing \loursel( above Criticism

Placing yourself above criticism is a classic tactic if you believe that being criticised reveals you to be inadequate, useless, or a failure. Perfectionism, covering up your weaknesses, and defensiveness are the inevitable result. You try to be flawless so that other people can’t criticise you. However, you end up being unduly harsh with yourself for your shortcomings and errors. You may even believe that you can knock yourself into shape by criticising yourself, unwittingly lowering your self-image further.

Instead, try to accept your human fallibility without condemning yourself. Mistakes and flaws are an unavoidable aspect of being human, no matter how hard you try to change things. Don’t be ashamed of your shortcomings – everyone else has flaws too. Do you think people really lose respect for you if they find out you’re only human? They probably don’t. Chances are, they’ll be relieved and feel more able to relax in your company. Their respect for you may even grow, because they can accept you, warts and all.

Reveal an imperfection and check out the response you get. Try accepting yourself non-defensively in the face of criticism. If someone criticises you, try asking them for more information. Most people find owning up to their human fallibility a far more productive strategy than striving to be perfect.

Lil/l

Choosing perfection as your goal is setting yourself up to fail because No one Is capable of being perfect. The more you fail to reach your unrealistic goal, the more you put yourself down. Don’t be tempted to try harder to be perfect. Instead, try harder to accept your imperfection.

Avoiding Failure, Disapproval, Rejection, and Other Animals

You may find that you avoid situations, places, or people that trigger your tendency to put yourself down. This approach is very much a way of papering over the cracks. Your underlying attitude towards yourself remains the problem. By avoiding potential failure, you don’t change your attitude: You simply postpone setting off your insecurity for a while.

A long-lasting, elegant solution to overcoming poor self-esteem is for you to uncover, examine, and change any unhelpful attitudes you may have developed towards yourself. Then, you can deliberately seek out the things you’ve been avoiding, while practicing your new self-accepting attitude (head to Chapter 12 for more).

Avoiding \lour Emotions

You may try to block out certain emotions because you regard them as a sign of weakness. Although you may try to persuade yourself that you’re strong because you can control your emotions, your relationships and psychological health are likely to suffer.

Having a wide range of emotions is part of what makes you human. Try as you might, avoiding these emotions is difficult – and unhealthy. You may end up feeling isolated, cold, and aloof in your relationships, which can rob you of much richer and more satisfying experiences. Begin to accept your feelings and recognise that this acceptance shows courage, not weakness.

Sometimes, experiencing strong negative emotions is a natural response to adversity, a part of the healing process, and a sign of strength in facing up to difficulties.

Attempting to Feel More Significant by Controlling Others

If you try to control others, the underlying assumption is that you need to Prove Your significance by having an affect on other people. The problem is that without this Proof, You are (in your eyes) insignificant.

Perhaps you immediately offer unsolicited advice or try to convert others to a favourite cause to prove that you are a person of influence? Unfortunately, your lack of respect for others’ thoughts, feelings, and behaviours may actually be a turn-off to those other people.

Compulsively trying to influence or affect people actually shows you have a lack of control. You also reinforce a negative self-image by acting as if you have to prove something to be worthwhile or significant.

Imagine how you’d interact with people if you didn’t have the need to prove your power or influence. You can use this imagining exercise as a guide to new healthier behaviour.

Over-befending \lour Self-Worth

We don’t advocate you being a doormat, but the healthy alternative to being passive is to stay calm in the face of minor slights. Constantly defending your self-worth can lead to verbal or physical aggression. Besides, if you’re confident in your self-worth, do you really need to guard it so carefully? Insisting that others must show you respect at all times leads to unhealthy anger. Your compulsive outrage at being disrespected can simply drive you to take people to task for minor assaults on your fragile self-esteem.

Respect yourself regardless of whether other people treat you respectfully. Self-respect affords you the ability to assert yourself appropriately when it’s Worth Doing so.

Feeling Superior

You may have superior, equal, and inferior traits compared with other people, but the idea that you are either an inferior or superior Person Is an overgener-alisation. No one is superior Or Inferior to everyone else in every way. We all have different strengths and weaknesses.

Some people can only feel good about themselves when they convince themselves that they are ‘the best’. Many people with this tendency try to demonstrate their superiority by showing off their physical or psychological strength. For example, you may feel driven to impress people with your wit, intellect, or other talent. Unfortunately, these solutions are only temporary ones to your underlying feelings of inferiority, which can be your real target for change. At worst, your attempts at superiority serve only to alienate other people and mask your true strengths.

Although the notion of the ‘real you’ is a bit simplistic, try dropping the superiority. Be as authentic as you can and see how people respond to you.

Blaming Nature or Nuture for l/our Problems

0

Blaming your problems on your past, genetics, hormones, brain chemistry, or other people, does have the distinct advantage of temporarily alleviating any sense that you’re stupid, pathetic, or less worthwhile. This blame system stems from the mistaken idea that if you take an appropriate degree of responsibility for your emotional problems, then it means that you’re to blame for those problems. Protecting your self-esteem by blaming something or someone else can typically backfire, which makes real change more difficult because you attribute your problems to factors outside of your control.

Half of the people in the Western world experience some kind of significant emotional problem during the course of their lives. So, having an emotional problem simply means you’re human.

Use your understanding of your past and your ‘make-up’ to develop a compassionate, sympathetic perspective towards your current difficulties. Take some personal responsibility for keeping your problems going. Recognising how you may be making your problems worse gives you the power to make changes for the better.

Unhelpful ideas about how to feel good about yourself can stem from childhood messages. Teachers or parents may have told you to ‘Be the best’, ‘Never admit that you’re wrong’, ‘Our family is better than other families’, ‘Failure is not an option’, or ‘Big boys don’t cry’. Such messages may have been offered to you as words of wisdom, but as an adult you can re-evaluate their truth and helpfulness. You can decide to dump them in favour of updated, self-acceptance and other acceptance beliefs.