In This Chapter
^ Getting to know the feelings that bind you
^ Taking a progressive attitude
^ Avoiding getting stuck on the road to recovery
S^uman beings have a keen way of blocking their progress and sabotaging Ґ m Their goals. Maybe you get in the way of your progress without even being aware that you’re doing it. Or perhaps you’re conscious that you’re sabotaging yourself with faulty thinking. Whatever the case, this chapter explores common obstacles that get in the way of positive change, and suggests some tips for overcoming blocks to progress.
Tackling Emotions That Get in the Way of Change
As if having an emotional problem isn’t enough, you may be giving yourself an extra helping of discomfort and distress by some of the meanings you attach to your original problems. Some of the feelings that you may experience about your primary emotional problems, such as shame, guilt, or even pride, can result in Progress paralysis.
Shifting shame
When people feel ashamed of their problems, they usually believe that their symptoms are a sign that they’re weak, flawed, or defective. If you feel ashamed, you’re less likely to seek help, because you worry that other people may judge you harshly for having a psychological problem, such as depression, or perhaps they may think that you’re silly for having other types of problems, such as anxiety or social phobia. You may worry that anyone you tell about your problem will be horrified by some of your thoughts or actions, and reject you. If you suffer with obsessive-compulsive disorder
(OCD), a disorder typified by unpleasant and unwelcome thoughts or ideas, you may worry that other people won’t understand you. People with OCD frequently assume that no one else in the world experiences the kind of upsetting thoughts that they do. In fact, everyone has intrusive and upsetting thoughts from time to time. In Chapter 11, we talk about some of the intrusive thoughts that are common in OCD.
You may be too ashamed to even admit to yourself that you have a problem. Blaming the problem on external events or other people is often a result of shame. Shame is really corrosive to change because it can have the following effects:
Shame can make you isolate yourself, which can lower your mood even further.
Shame can lead you to deny the problem. And you can’t work on problem-solving if you’re unwilling to acknowledge that the problem exists in the first place.
Shame can result in you blaming other people and events for your problems, robbing you of your personal power for change.
Shame can make you overestimate your symptoms as ‘abnormal’, ‘weird’, or ‘unacceptable’.
Shame can lead you to overestimate the harsh degree by which others judge you for having the problem.
Shame can stop you from seeking out more information that can help to make you realise that your problem isn’t so unusual.
Shame can prevent you from getting appropriate psychological help, or the right medication.
Fight back against shame by refusing to hide your problems from yourself. Seek out information to make some of your experiences seem more normal. Practise self-acceptance beliefs like the ones we outline in Chapter 12. Take responsibility for overcoming your emotional problems – but resist blaming yourself for your symptoms.
Getting rid of guilt
Guilt Is an unhealthy negative emotion that’s particularly notorious for blocking positive change. You may be telling yourself guilt-provoking things like the following:
‘I’m causing my family a lot of bother through my problems.’
‘Other people in the world are so much worse off than me. I’ve no right to feel depressed.’
‘I should be more productive. Instead, I’m just a waste of space.’
Guilt sabotages your chances of taking positive action. Guilty thoughts, such as the preceding examples, can lead you to put yourself down further, thereby making yourself more depressed. Your depression leads you to see the future as hopeless and saps your motivation. (Have a peek at Chapter 6 for more information about unhealthy negative emotions and how they work against you.)
Even if the thoughts that are making you feel guilty about your depression, anxiety, or other emotional problem hold some truth, try to accept yourself as someone who’s Unwell. For example, your diminished ability to be productive is a side effect of depression, not an indication that you’re a bad or selfish person.
0
Shame and guilt grow in the dark. Hiding your problems, and your feelings About Your problems, from other people tends to make things worse over time. Talking about your obsessions, depression, addiction, or other problems gives you the chance to share your fears and discomfort with someone else, who may be far more understanding than you imagine.
Putting aside pride
Having too much pride can get in the way of your progress. Sometimes, pride is a sort of compensatory strategy for feelings of shame. Your pride may protect you from the shame that you think you’d experience if you were to accept that the methods you’ve used thus far to overcome your problems have been less than ideal. The following are common pride-based attitudes that may be stopping you from making positive changes:
‘It’s absurd to say that I can help myself – if I could make myself better, I’d have done it ages ago!’ Actually, people very rarely know how best to help themselves out of emotional problems. Often, you need to read some self-help books or have techniques explained to you before you really understand how to implement specific techniques, and why these methods work.
‘I’m an intelligent person and I should be able work out this stuff on my own!’ Maybe you Can Work out how to help yourself overcome emotional problems without any help whatsoever. But remember: Even the most intelligent people need to see specialists for advice from time to time. For example, you may be very bright but you still need to take your car to a mechanic to be fixed.
‘I like to think of myself as strong. Admitting to having these problems shows me up as weak.’ Getting a bout of ‘flu doesn’t make you a weak person – and neither does a bout of depression or anxiety. For example, refusing to seek medical treatment for an infected wound is foolish, not an example of strength.
Book now to avoid disappointment
Many people with emotional problems wait months or even years before sharing their problems with anyone else. For example, people with OCD put up with their symptoms for an average of ten years before they seek professional help-they may even keeptheir problems secret from their friends and family. People with depression and other anxiety problems can also wait for months or years before talking about their problems with another person.
The most common reason for keeping problems under wraps is shame. Thinking that you need
To keep problems a secret is quite tragic, because you end up suffering in silence needlessly. You can refer to the list of professional resources we supply in Appendix A. Exploring your options Now Can assure you that your symptoms are common and that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Get yourself on the road to recovery nowto avoid feeling disappointed that you didn’t get help sooner, and you can start to begin reclaiming enjoyment from life.
Swallow your pride and be ready to seek advice and help. Recognising and accepting that you have a problem and that you need to get guidance on how to deal with it, takes strength, not weakness.
Seeking support
After you begin to get over your shame, guilt, and pride, you can start to look for help in earnest. The help you seek may take the form of reading a self-help book like this one, approaching a therapist, talking things over with a friend (who could even support you using this book), or looking through some online resources. Some people find that self-help techniques are enough. But if you think you need more support, be sure to get help sooner rather than later. Putting off seeking professional help when you need it only prolongs your discomfort. Don’t wait until your problem has advanced to the stage where your relationships, employment situation, or daily functioning are suffering, before you take positive action. (In Chapter 19, we explain how to seek professional help.)
Trying a tittle tenderness
Shame and guilt involve kicking yourself – and really putting the boot in – when you’re already feeling down. Kicking someone in an attempt to get them back on their feet just doesn’t make sense.
You haven’t Chosen Your problems, although you may accept that you’re stuck in a pattern that’s making your problems worse. Take other contributing factors into account when you think about how your problems may have started.
You can take responsibility for overcoming your emotional disturbances and you can be compassionate with yourself in the process. Being kind to yourself when you’re working hard to get better makes sense, particularly if you consider that a lot of the work involves making yourself uncomfortable in the short term. Surely you deserve to give yourself a little encouragement during exposures and behavioural experiments, rather than piling on the self-criticism.
Try being your own best friend instead of your own worst critic for a while, and see whether this helps you to make some positive strides. (Have a look at Chapter 12 for more tips on how to treat yourself with compassion.)
Adopting Positive Principles That Promote Progress
Some of the attitudes you hold probably aren’t going to do you any favours as you try to overcome your emotional problems. Fortunately, you can swap your unhelpful attitudes for alternative beliefs that can give you a leg-up on the ladder to better emotional health.
4f%
Understanding that simple doesn’t mean easy
Most of the steps to overcoming psychological problems with CBT are relatively simple. CBT isn’t rocket science – in fact, many of the principles and recommendations may seem like common sense. However, CBT may be sense, but it ain’t that common – if it was, fewer people would be suffering with emotional problems.
Even if CBT is as simple as ABC, the actual application of CBT principles is far from easy. Using CBT to help yourself requires a lot of personal Effort, diligence, repetition And Determination.
Because CBT seems so simple, some people get frustrated when they discover that they’re not getting well fast or easily enough for their liking. If you want to make CBT work for You, Take the attitude that getting better doesn’t have to be easy. Your health is worth working for.
Being optimistic about getting better
One of the biggest blocks that prevent you from getting better is when you refuse to believe that change is possible. Be on the lookout for negative predictions that you may be making about your ability to get better. Challenge any thoughts you have, like the following:
I ‘Other people get better, but they’re not as messed up as me.’
I ‘I’ll never change – I’ve been like this for too long.’
I ‘This CBT stuff will never work for someone as useless as me.’
If these thoughts sound familiar, check out the section that covers how to try to be a little kinder to yourself earlier in this chapter. Would you encourage a friend to believe such thoughts, or would you urge your friend to challenge their thinking? Try to give yourself the kind of good advice that you’d give another person with your type of problem.
Look for evidence that you Can Make changes. Remind yourself of other things you’ve done in the past that were difficult and required lots of your effort to overcome. If you don’t give a new treatment method a fair shot, then how can you possibly Know It can’t work?
Staying focused on your goats
If you want to continue making healthy progress, occasionally you need to renew your commitment to your goals. You may find that you stop dead in your tracks because you’ve forgotten what the point is. Or perhaps you find yourself feeling ambivalent about getting over your problems. After all, staying anxious, depressed, or angry may seem easier than changing.
Remind yourself regularly of your goals and the benefits of striving to achieve these goals. You can sse the cost-benefit analysis (CBA) form to reaffirm the benefits of making goal-directed changes. In Chapter 8, we describe the CBA form and give you some more information about setting goals. Turn to Appendix B for a blank version of the CBA form.
Always try to set goals that are within your grasp, and you can establish shorter-term goals along the way. For example, if your goal is to move from being largely housebound to being able to travel freely, set a goal of being able to go to a particular shop to buy something specific. You can then concentrate on the steps needed to reach that particular smaller goal, before moving on to tackle larger goals.
Persevering and repeating
We often hear people say that they tried a technique or experiment once but that it didn’t make them feel better. The reason for this lack of success is that once is very rarely enough. When you work at changing ingrained patterns of thinking and behaving, you’re likely to have to try out new alternatives many times before you appreciate any beneficial change. You need to give yourself plenty of opportunity to get used to the new thought or behaviour. Also, you can expect new ways of thinking and behaving to feel very unnatural at first.
I&OUT/p Think of your core beliefs and old ways of behaving as automatic responses, /"ws^yX just like using your right hand to shave. If you break your right arm, and are D0 ) unable to use it for a while, you have to use your left hand to shave. Imagine \J*ly that your new healthy beliefs and behaviours are represented by your left
Hand. Each time you go to use your new beliefs, they feel awkward and don’t seem to work very well. Every morning when you reach for the razor with your broken right arm, you have to remind yourself to struggle with using your left arm instead. You nick yourself shaving and miss a few places. However, over time you get better and better at using your left hand to shave, until one day your automatic response is to reach for the razor with your left hand.
People can retrain themselves into using new patterns of behaviour all the time. Think about people who are giving up smoking or changing their diets. Even moving house and altering your route to work are examples of behavioural retraining. You can retrain your thinking as well as your behaviour – perseverance and repetition apply to both.
Tackling Task-Interfering Thoughts
The ‘Tic-Toe’ technique is a simple yet effective way of unblocking obstacles to change. The technique gives you a helping hand toward achieving your goals.
TICs Are Task interfering cognitions, The thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs that get in the way of your progress. You need to respond with TOCs – task orienting cognitions, Which are constructive alternatives to TICs. The list of unhelpful attitudes (sand traps) in the nearby sidebar is helpful for getting some ideas about task interfering cognitions.
Fill out the Tic-Toe sheet by following these steps:
1. Identify the goal or task you want to focus on.
2. In the left column (TICs), list your thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs that get in the way of you achieving your aim.
3. In the right column (TOCs) put responses to each of your TICs that will help you achieve your goal or task.
You can find a blank Tic-Toe form in Appendix B. Use it whenever you notice that you are not pursuing a goal or carrying out a self-helping task. Table 17-1 is an example of a Tic-Toe sheet.
Table 17-1 Example of a Tic-Toe Sheet
Goal or task: Setting time aside and filling out my university application forms.
Task Interfering Cognitions (TICs) Task Orienting Cognitions (TOCs)
|
1. If I start I’ll get too stressed. |
1. Doing this is a hassle, but if I |
|
Take it a step at a time I’ll cope. |
|
|
2. It’s too complicated; I’m bound to |
2. If I read the guide carefully I’ll |
|
Get it wrong. |
Probably do a good enough job. |
|
3. I’m bound to be rejected. |
3. I’ve got a good chance and |
|
I’ll really regret it if I miss the |
|
|
Deadline. |
|
|
4. There’s no point in trying, I always |
4.1 have put it off but it’s not |
|
End up putting it off. |
Inevitable that I’ll keep doing it. |
|
Especially if I start now! |
Sidestepping sand traps
Along the path to better mental health, you’re sure to encounter obstacles. The following are popular reasons for abandoning your goals or not getting started with pursuing goals in the first place.
Fearing change. Despite feeling really miserable, you may be afraid of what’ll happen if you take steps to change. You may have been depressed or anxious for so long that you can’t really imagine doing anything else. Perhaps some of the people in your life are helping you to live with your problems, and you fear that by getting better you may lose those people. However, getting yourself well gives you a chance to build more fulfilling relationships and to develop your independence.
Having low-frustration tolerance. When the going gets tough, the tough go home to bed, right? No! You may be tempted to goto bed, but you just wake up every morning with the same old problems. The only way to increase your tolerance to frustration in all its forms is to grit your teeth and stick with it. However uncomfortable you may be while working on changing yourself, the effort is almost certainly a lot less painful than staying unwell for the rest of your life.
Being passive. Maybe if you wait long enough, someone else will get better for you! Perhaps a miracle will happen to change your life, or a magic button will appear for you to push! Hey presto! – and you’re fixed. Maybe, but don’t hold your
Breath waiting. Take responsibility for doing the work needed to get you feeling better.
Having a fear of being bossed around.
Some people have a very strong sense of autonomy and they can be sensitive to other people trying to influence or coerce them. If you’re one of these people, you maythinkthatyourtherapist, or somebody close to you, is trying to take over when they suggest you try new strategies. Try to be open-minded to what professionals and people who care about you suggest. Deciding to give someone else’s ideas a try is up to you. No one else can really control you oryour decisions.
Being fatalistic. Perhaps your motto is’This is the way I am and how I’m destined to be for all time.’ Being convinced that your moods are governed by forces beyond your control, such as chemicals, hormones, biology, the past, fate, or God, means that you’re prone to surrender yourself to your symptoms. Why not put your theories to the test by making a real effort to rewrite your supposed destiny? You never know: Your original assumptions may be wrong!
Love is the drug that I’m thinking of… You
May be convinced that love is the only true
Path to happiness. You may be unable to imagine thatyou can have a satisfying life by learning to cope with your problems on your own. You may think that you will remain unhappy and emotionally disturbed until your special someone rides in on a steed to rescue you from this crazy mixed up world. Love is a real bonus to human existence, make no mistake. However, the healthiest relationships are those where both parties are self-sufficient and enjoythe companionship of one another without being overly dependant.
Waiting to feel motivated. A lot of people make the mistake of waiting to feel like doing something before they get started. The problem with waiting for inspiration, or motivation, is that you may hang about for far too long. Often, action precedes motivation. When overcoming emotional disturbance, you often need to do an experiment (check out Chapter 4) or you can stick to an activity schedule (in Chapter 10), even when doing so is the last thing that you feel like doing. Positive action is the best remedy for overcoming the feelings of being lethargic and hopeless.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
► Figuring out which moves feel good for your partner
IW The right intention U* Spontaneity Sensitivity
Kitchen floor can become an exotically sensual environment when you lie down on it with your partner. Wherever you are, look around for items that can enhance your experience. You’re bound to be able to use something that you have on hand — a texture, a sound, or a taste — like a big, juicy, ripe strawberry, for example.
You may want to check out a few of the items listed below to help you and your partner get into the appropriate sensual mood. After all, you don’t have all day to lie around waiting for the proper mood to strike. You’re a busy person, and you have lots of other things on your mind. If you’re feeling adventurous, try the following suggestions, and see what happens.
Videos
Here are a few moves that you can use when you’re creating your sensual massage together. You may notice that some of these moves are not really moves at all, but attitudes. In a sensual massage you take more liberties with your partner. You drape yourselves over each other more, coming closer and dissolving the giver/receiver barrier.
Creating fuller contact
Figure 19-1: