In This Chapter
^ Discovering and choosing healthy activities
^ Taking care of yourself, your life, and your relationships
^ Communicating effectively
7he way that you think influences the way that you feel and behave. How you behave also influences the way you end up feeling and thinking.. . and round and round the cycle goes.
So, how you Live From day to day has an effect on your overall mood. In this chapter, we look at what makes a lifestyle Healthy. Developing a healthy lifestyle can contribute enormously to keeping you in tiptop physical and psychological condition.
We use the term ‘healthy’ to mean looking after your physical self, which includes exercise, sleep, sex, your eating habits, and keeping your living environment a pleasant place to be. Psychological health overlaps with this and is about doing things that give you a sense of enjoyment and achievement, holding helpful and balanced attitudes toward life, and building satisfying relationships.
Make looking after yourself a priority rather than an afterthought. An ounce of prevention really is worth a pound of cure.
Planning to Prevent Relapse
Once you start to recover from your problems, your next step is to devise a plan to prevent a resurgence of symptoms – to ensure that you don’t suffer a Relapse. A relapse basically means that you return to your original state of mind. An important part of your relapse prevention plan is nurturing yourself and guarding against falling back into old, unhelpful lifestyle habits, such as
Working too late, eating unhealthily, drinking too much caffeine and alcohol, or isolating yourself. Chapter 18 deals with relapse prevention in depth. The following sections in this chapter provide some pointers on how you can make your life fuller and how to take care of yourself.
Fitting In the Gaps
When you start to recover from some types of emotional problems, such as depression, anxiety, or obsessions, you may find that you have a considerable amount of spare time available to you, which previously your symptoms took up. Indeed, you may be astounded to find out just how much energy, attention, and time, common psychological difficulties can actually consume.
Finding constructive and enjoyable things to do to fill in the gaps where your symptoms once were is important. Keeping yourself occupied with pursuits that are meaningful to you gives you a sense of well-being and leaves less opportunity for your symptoms to re-emerge.
Choosing absorbing activities
Activities that you used to enjoy may take a back seat while you wrestle with your problems. However, maybe you can think of some new activities that interest you and that you may like to try. The following are a few pointers to help you generate ideas about what activities and hobbies you can begin building into your life:
Make a list of things you used to do and would like to start doing again.
Make a separate list of new activities that you’d like to try.
Try to create a balance between activities that do and don’t involve physical exercise.
Include everyday activities like cooking, reading, DIY, and keeping up social contacts. These activities are often neglected when you’re overwhelmed by symptoms.
Choose to focus on around five activities to revive or pursue, depending on how full your life is with work and family commitments.
In case you’re still at a loss as to what you want to do, here’s some ideas – but remember that this list is by no means exhaustive: Antiques, art appreciation, astronomy, baking, chess, dance, drama, dressmaking, enamelling, fishing, football, gardening, golf, interior decorating, kick boxing, languages, motoring, painting, pets (get a kitty – Rhena’s cat Jack has transformed her life!), quizzes, tennis, voluntary work, wine-tasting, writing.. .
Don’t just think about it! Decide When You’re going to begin doing your chosen activities. If you don’t give yourself a concrete start date, forgetting about things or putting them off can be all too easy.
Matchmaking your pursuits
You know yourself better than anyone else, so you’re the best person to judge which hobbies can bring you the most satisfaction. Try to match your recreational pursuits to your character. If you know that you love paying attention to detail, you may enjoy needlework or making jewellery. Extreme sports may appeal to you if you’ve always been good at physical activities and like adrenalin rushes. Conversely, if you’ve never been very musical, taking up an instrument may not be the best choice for you.
We recommend that you stretch yourself by trying things that you haven’t done before. Who knows – you may end up really liking the new activities. However, if you choose pursuits that are too far removed from your fundamental personality or natural abilities, you might lose heart and abandon them.
Putting personal pampering into practice
Oh, the joys of a good massage, a hot foamy bath, or a trip to the opera (okay, we understand that not everyone feels the same about opera). You can’t overcome your problems without a significant degree of personal effort. Congratulate yourself for your hard work, and treat yourself to a few nice things.
Take care of yourself on a day-to-day basis, and look out for times when you deserve a few extra special treats. Friday nights are a good time to regularly treat yourself after a long week at work.
Your treats don’t have to be expensive. You can do many small things – such as putting some cut flowers in a vase, making your living space smell nice, playing pleasant music, watching a favourite film or television programme – which are free or inexpensive.
Consider pampering yourself as part of your Relapse-prevention plan (see Chapter 18 for more on relapse prevention). Even doing little things like using nice bath oils or eating a special meal once a week can remind you to value yourself and to treat yourself with loving care.
Oi/erhaulinq \lour Lifestyle
We suggest that you take a close look at the way you currently live and decide on the things that are good, and the things that are not so good for you. Be sure to consider the following key areas:
Regular and healthy eating. The principle is relatively simple: Have three meals and a couple of healthy snacks a day, with plenty of fruit, vegetables, and wholegrain foods. Minimise your consumption of sugar and simple carbohydrates, like white bread, and don’t overdo the saturated fat. Have what you fancy in moderation. If you think you need extra help with healthy eating, talk to your doctor, who can refer you to a dietitian.
Try keeping a record of everything you eat, for a week. Identify where you can make positive changes towards eating more regularly and more healthily. If you find that your actions don’t match with your good intentions, use the Tic-Toe technique (which we discuss in Chapter 17) to tackle the thoughts and attitudes that can get in the way of healthy eating.
Regular exercise. Ample evidence suggests that exercise is very beneficial for both your mental health and your physical health. Aim for at least three sessions of physical exercise, lasting 20-30 minutes each, per week. Consult your doctor if you haven’t exercised regularly for some time.
Leisure pursuits. Include activities that bring you pleasure or satisfaction and aren’t attached to your job or home life. Remind yourself of what you used to do and of what you’ve been meaning to do, when choosing activities and hobbies.
Social contact. Get to know new people or reinvigorate your existing relationships. Sometimes relationships suffer as a result of psychological illness; read more about getting intimate further on in this chapter, which address issues of intimacy and communication.
Vitally-absorbing interests. Get involved with causes you feel are important, such as recycling or animal rights campaigns.
Resource management. This catch-all may involve you doing a budget, getting an accountant, developing a system to deal with your household bills efficiently, renegotiating your working hours, or hiring a cleaner.
Ideally, you can create a nice balance between the different aspects of your life so that none is neglected.
Look at the things you do on a daily or weekly basis, and decide what you’re doing Too much of, Such as drinking in the pub, working late, or eating fast food. Try to replace some of these activities with others that you’re doing too little of, such as getting exercise, spending time with your family, or studying.
Walking the Walk
The best-laid plans of mice and men are apt to go astray. And how.
You’re really serious about making positive changes to your lifestyle; however, just thinking about it and setting out plans aren’t enough – although they Are A great first step. The next step is to Do it\ Actions speak louder than words, so act on your intentions sooner, rather than later.
Keep your body moiling
We cannot emphasise enough about the multiple benefits of you taking regular exercise. It’s so darn good for you, in so darn many ways. If you don’t believe us, try it out! Exercise a few times each week and see if you don’t end up feeling better – we defy you to contradict us.
You can exercise in ways that don’t involve going to the gym. Gardening, walking, cycling, dancing, and housework, all give your body a workout. Find out which activities suit you, your interests, your schedule, and your current level of fitness – And do them!
Be careful that you’re exercising for the right reasons, such as to enjoy yourself, and to keep yourself physically and mentally healthy. Check that you’re not exercising obsessively. The following are unhealthy motivations for taking exercise:
To keep your weight lower than is medically recommended. People who suffer from eating disorders may often exercise fanatically.
To improve your looks if you are anxious about your appearance.
People with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), sometimes use exercise to compensate for imagined defects in their physical appearance (Chapter 11 has more about this psychological problem).
To punish yourself. People with feelings of shame and low self-worth may exercise to excess as a means of self-harming.
Ask your physician to work out your Body mass index Or ‘BMI’, which gives you a weight range that is normal for your age and height.
Using your head
Perhaps your emotional problems get in the way of your work or study. Maybe your difficulties interfer with you making progress in your career or changing jobs – after all, many people with psychological problems also experience work and education difficulties.
Start to set goals for how you’d like your work or academic life to develop. Build a realistic plan of action for reaching your professional or educational goals by following these steps:
1. Start your plan by considering where you’d like to be and what you need to do in terms of study and training to get there.
2. Break your ultimate goal down into smaller bite-sized chunks. You
May need to gather references, build a portfolio, write a CV, or apply for a loan or grant to fund your studies.
3. Investigate facilities for learning. Use the Internet to look for specific courses, contact universities and colleges for a prospectus, see a careers advisor, or visit an employment agency.
4. Build your study or training plan into your life with a view to keeping a balance between study, work, social, and leisure activities.
5. Set a realistic time frame to achieve your goal. Pushing yourself to get there too fast is likely to cause you stress, impair your enjoyment of the journey to your goal, or even lead you to abandon your goal all together.
Go out and study just for the sake of it. Developing a new skill or exploring a new subject area can be highly rewarding for you, whether or not the studying is applicable directly to your work. Adult education classes and intensive workshops can be a great way for you to explore new topics – and for you to meet new people, which can be beneficial if your social life has suffered during your illness.
Getting involved
Think about the kind of world you want to live in and how you can contribute towards creating it. You can get involved with anti-litter campaigns, local building-restoration projects, charities, or whatever you feel is important. You can usually choose how much time to devote to these pursuits.
Becoming spiritual
Sometimes, people with specific disorders such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or extreme guilt, can find that their religion or spiritual beliefs get mixed up with their problems. Re-establishing a healthy understanding of your faith can be an important aspect of your recovery. Resuming your usual manner of worship – be it mediation, attending mass or going to a synagogue – can help you to reintegrate with your religious beliefs or your community. You might also find that discussing your recent problems with a religious leader or a member of your congregation is helpful.
Talking the talk
Emotional problems can have a detrimental effect on your personal relationships. Sometimes, your symptoms can be so all-consuming that you have little space to show interest in what others around you are feeling and doing. Therefore, you may need to do some work to rebuild your existing relationships when you feel better.
When your symptoms subside, you may want to give more of your attention to the other people in your life. This may involve playing with your kids, talking to your partner about how your problems have affected your relationship (without blaming yourself, of course), or renewing contact with friends and extended family.
People in your life are likely to be aware of how troubled you’ve been and they may notice recent positive changes in you. Let them talk about the changes they’ve noticed within you. Listening to other people’s experiences of your problems can help to reinforce the idea that the other people in your life care about you. Improving your relationships and simply spending time in the company of other people can help you keep your symptoms at bay. You can also involve others in your relapse-prevention plan, if appropriate.
A supportive relationship with a significant other can help you to stay healthy. This relationship doesn’t need to be a romantic relationship – pla-tonic relationships are important as well. Research has shown that having a network of social contacts, as well as having someone you’re able to confide in, helps to reduce your emotional problems in general.
It’s never too late for you to make friends. Even if your problems have led you to isolate yourself, now’s the time to go out and meet people. Be patient and give yourself the time and opportunity to start forming good relationships. Go to where the people are! Join some clubs or classes.
Getting intimate
Your specific problems may lead you to avoid intimate relationships with other people. You may have been too preoccupied by your problems to be able to form or maintain intimate relationships. If you want to be close to others, you’ve got to get your head round the concept of letting others into your life. Allowing yourself to trust others enough to share at least some of your personal history can make you feel closer to your listeners. Intimacy is a give-and-take affair – ideally, the balance is roughly equal.
Six steps for talking and listening
Good relationships are sustained bythoughtful-ness, effort, and time. Many of the changes in your relationships may occur naturally because as you become less preoccupied with your problems you are more able to focus on the world around you.
Effective communication is the cornerstone of good relationships. Bear in mind that you can communicate not only with what you say, but also with how you Listen. Your body language can also convey a message to others. Things like eye contact and physical contact are also means of getting the message across. A simple hug can really mean a lot.
Try the following six steps to improve your communication skills:
1. When you have something importantto discuss with someone, find a mutually good time to do so. Make sure that you both have ample time to talk and listen to each other.
2. Use ‘I feel’ statements, such as ‘/ Feel Disappointed thatyou came home late’, rather than blaming language, such as ‘You Made me so angry’.
3. If you want to give negative feedback to someone about his behaviour, keep it clear, brief, and specific. Remember to also give positive feedback about the behaviour you want to reinforce, for example thank your partner for calling to say he’ll be late.
4. After you’ve given positive or negative feedback, ask the person how he feels and what he thinks about what you’ve said.
5. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that a right or true way of doing things exists. Accept that different people value different things. Seek compromises when appropriate. Listen to the other person’s point of view.
6. Be prepared to accept negative feedback and criticism from others. Look for points that you agree with in what the other person is saying. Give the other person a chance to air his views before you get defensive or counteractive. Give yourself time to assess the feedbackyou receive.
If you think you’re incapable of getting truly close to someone else, you’re probably wrong. Give other people – and yourself – a chance to be honest with one another. Reciprocally enhancing relationships usually evolve naturally, but you need to be open to the possibilities of intimate relationships for this evolution to happen.
Sex and other animals
Your interest in sex, regardless of your age or gender, may diminish as a result of your emotional disturbance. Many people dealing with emotional problems can lose interest in sex. When you begin to feel better, getting your sex life back on track may take some time.
Sex drive is a bit like appetite: You don’t always realise you’re hungry until you start eating.
Sometimes, couples stop having sex regularly but don’t ever discuss the change. Often, both partners get into a routine of not being sexually intimate and try to ignore the problem. Some people are too shy to talk about sex or feel guilty for having lost their interest in sex. Additionally, many people are afraid of discussing their loss of sex drive with their doctors, or friends, for fear of embarrassment.
Taking the plunge and talking about changes in your sex drive with your therapist or doctor can be very worthwhile. Your therapist or doctor may offer you useful suggestions and may even tell you that certain medications you’ve been taking may contribute to your decreased interest in sex.
Loss of interest in sexual activities is a normal side effect of certain experiences. Many psychological disorders, such as depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessional problems, health anxiety, postnatal depression, and low self-esteem, can impact on your ability to feel aroused. Bereavement, physical illness, and stress can also put your sexual desires on the back-burner. Fortunately, decreased libido is often temporary.
Talking about sex
‘Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it’, but sometimes the issue of sex is like an elephant in a tutu doing the dance of the seven veils in the middle of your bedroom. Both you and your partner can end up studiously ignoring its presence, even though it’s right there, begging for your attention.
If you can’t bring yourself to broach the topic of sex with your partner as you begin to recover, you can do a few things to help rekindle the flames of desire. Try some of the following:
Resume non-sexual physical contact. Hold hands, stroke your partner’s arm or back as you chat, sit closer to each other on the sofa, and reintroduce cuddling. Non-sexual contact can help you to get comfortable with touching one another again, and set the scene for a revival of more intimate contact.
Kiss. If you’ve got into the habit of a quick kiss on the cheek as you leave the house, aim for the mouth instead. Kissing is a powerful form of communication. It also can be highly sensual and enjoyable.
Create opportunities. Getting into bed at the same time before you’re both bone tired, and then snuggling up, can create a non-threatening reintroduction to sexual relations.
Take the pressure off. If you tell yourself that you’ve Got To get aroused or you’ve Got To have sex tonight, you can work yourself into such a state that all spontaneity is quashed. Try to take the attitude that if it happens, it happens.
Give yourself a chance to get in the mood. You don’t have to feel very aroused to start getting intimate. Sometimes you may need to have a lot of low-level sexual contact like stroking, petting, and kissing before you’re ready to go further. Be patient with yourself and try to talk to your partner about how you’re feeling. Sometimes, just talking about sex is enough to relax you to let nature take its course.
Take the onus off orgasm. Any sexual or close physical contact can be fulfilling. You may not be able to achieve orgasm for some time, so instead enjoy foreplay like you may have done in the early stages of your relationship. You can really get your sex life back on track, and you may even be able to make it better than it was before, if you give a lot of attention to the preliminaries.
Whatever turns you on is worth exploring further. Talk to your partner: You may be able to find things that can help you both get more in the mood for lovemaking. Try to be open-minded about your sex life. Just be careful to set your own personal boundaries about what turns you on and what has the opposite effect.